To See or Not to See, That Is the Question

            What do I need with eyes?

I’ve hit another small bump along the aging highway.  My vision is getting worse due to both cataracts and glaucoma!  When I realized this could cause legal if not total blindness, I became very depressed about some of the things I would never see again.  In no particular order, they were:  Husband’s face, daughters’ faces, dog’s face, checkbook balance, colors, art, movies, trees, books, flowers, etc. etc.  If you put these two pictures together, this is what my vision is like now.

Vision with Cataracts

Vision with Glaucoma

I see things fuzzy with a lighted halo around them.  To ease your fears and mine, there are many ways to treat these diseases.  However, I couldn’t let this pass without exploring the funny things that can happen with impaired vision.  And then the snark began…..

First of all, I will be much happier when I look in the mirror or at my body. I won’t see hair on my legs, wrinkles, grey hair, nose hair, chin hair, or age spots.  My self esteem should soar.

What I look like…not so bad really. What do you mean, I need to shave?

What I imagine in the mirror. “Come here, boy, I’m gonna make you a man!”

Along with my self esteem improving, I should save a ton of money!   I won’t buy the “creams & emollients” that will make me 10 years younger (which I buy after viewing the infomercials at 3AM on  television)!    I have boxes and bottles on shelves in the linen closet.  I’ve been moisturized, peeled, smoothed, buffed, sand-blasted, tightened, acid-washed, wrapped, Botoxed, Juvadermed and bleached!   Results have been sketchy at best.   If I don’t see it, I won’t be bothered anymore!  Here are some of my more ridiculous purchases:

A 500 piece infomercial collection of anti-aging products with extremely scientific formulas all for the low price of $19.99 and it includes a vacuum cleaner.

This is a highly secret compound that diminishes fine lines and wrinkles. Hubs used it to smackle a hole in the wall.

A dermatological (not tested on animals because they were worried about killing them) solution to decrease size and color of age spots. By putting the Clinical reference in the name, we are supposed to think a scientist developed this and pay more.

A magical elixir put in gold bottles and jars containing a minute amount of golden Bedazzler sparkles so we will pay thousands of dollars and think we look better after we use it.

Because I love to read, I started thinking about talking books and so many images crossed my mind, I have to share them with you.  I pictured Julia Child reading the sex scenes from my favorite romance novel.  Think about her voice….

“I thought about other men I’d seen naked, but I picked the one on the right because he was the biggest!”

“It’s never easy to find the correct sized orifice in which to fit a big one. However, I persevered with humongously satisfying results!”

“He grabbed my ankles and spread my legs as far as they would go. Then he stuffed me like a Thanksgiving turkey.”

I could also picture Sam Heughan reading my recipe book so I can still “cook”.  Just imagine that Scottish brogue and that deep voice.

Take the butter and rub it all over the skin of the chicken slowly, so it will get crisp and brown on the outside while remaining moist and tender on the inside. Yum!

“It is important to sample a bit of the prepared food before you lay it on the table. Little bites and licks here and there will assure a delicious outcome.”

I thought about my Twitter fun and realized I could use voice activated messaging. However with Autocorrect there could be some interesting results. 

Original: I see Sam thinks we’re number one.

Autocorrect: I see Sam sucks his thumb.

 

Original: Sam looks cold and naked.

Autocorrect: Sam being naked is getting old.

Which is clearly something I would never say!     Another TW problem would be others overhearing convos I might not want to share.  As it is, Hubs thinks I’m having a seizure if I laugh out loud at a convo.  Usually he just runs in, stuffs a padded tongue depressor in my mouth and walks away. If he heard the convo I was laughing at…..

@Norma D “Did U ever notice how one nipple is higher than the other?”
@Mr. Deville “Is the floor tilted? @Norma D. Nope. We’d see more of the Netherlands.

@Norma D “Where is Cait’s left leg?”
@M. Demille “Is there a hole in the bench?”

So, mid-September I will be having surgery on both eyes.  I hope to see things a little clearer both mentally and physically.  I just wanted everyone to know there can be a good and funny side to almost anything if you have the right attitude!  Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you drip on the floor, slip and fall.    Here’s looking at you, Fritters!